If it snows I'm quitting school...

So that's definitely not true, but it came out of my mouth during Spanish this morning. Of course it was in English because to translate such a sentiment would have taken me too long and I just didn't care enough. As I was all snuggled into my bed at 9 pm tonight under an embarrassing amount of blankets I thought the same thing..and then realized how ridiculous that is to even think. Why is it that I so frequently say things that I don't mean?

I then was struck by how often I tell others how much I don't want to get married, because the whole idea is scary. Granted, the whole idea is scary and I have seen enough pain within the context of marriage to be very wary of who and when I marry...but the honest truth is I desire a husband. I want to serve him and serve with him in ministry until death do us part. I want to be the cute old couple walking in a park holding hands. So have I previously stated otherwise (on more occasions than I'd like to admit)?

I don't know. Desire to be the independent woman who can take care of herself--or at least appear to be so? Possibly. But I'd say the underlying reason would be fear. Fear that marriage isn't what God has for me, so if I convince myself I don't want it in the first place, I won't be disappointed. That's lame.

God plants desires within our hearts to draw us so much nearer to Him. I'm embarrassed to admit that I often draw nearer to the Giver when I want something. I am that kid. But when faced with the reality of His goodness, I find myself wanting nothing more than more of Him--most of the time.

I want to deeply desire Him, and enjoy His goodness and gifts. And I want to mean what I say and say what I mean and say nothing more.

Inconsequential

You know what gets me? When I was in Japan, all the little things that you click on at the top of the blog screen like "sign in" "flag blog" etc. were in Japanese..so I definitely flagged my own blog on accident for a long time because I couldn't figure out which one said "sign in"..and I'm still amazed when I come to this and I can read it now because it's in English!

I tried to change the title at the top from "currently about my life in Japan" to something else..but could not figure out now, so just know that I am no longer in Japan. I am actually preparing to leave for Austria in approximately 17 days. Holy moly that's soon. I still need over $2000..so if you have stumbled on this blog by the grace of God and have a little extra cash..let me know! :)

At the bottom of my posting box, there's examples of labels for this post. Scooters?? For real? I should write a post about scooters. Well, a few weeks ago a friend and I did hop on a long board (a long skateboard) and luge down the street. That was really fun, especially since I rocked him at it. And there is a scooter in the garage right now. Maybe I"ll got scoot around on it, and then come back and post about it.

Ok, maybe not.

Home

I'm sitting at my parents' kitchen counter, watching the news in English and thinking I can't believe I'm back! The 11 hour flight from Japan to Chicago was a little long, but United Airlines is nice enough to put tv's in the back of every seat so we can watch movies the whole time. I watched The Bucket list (kind of boring..) part of National Treasure 2 and parts of other ones that I can't remember because I kept dozing. Then came the waiting in line to get through customs in the US..and I was amazed at the amount of yelling and frustration on the part of the airport staff. I've decided I'm not working in any of those job because they must be stressful.

Life in Tokyo is reported to be one of the most expensive in the world, so coming home amazed me! Everything is so much cheaper! Even gas, but I'm not looking forward to filling up.

Jet lag is a bummer, but I'm doing my best to fight it by staying awake until 11 pm (virtually impossible!!)

I feel like I missed out on a lot! We got new $5. That's cool. American Idol is finished and America now has yet another Idol. Neat. Mmm...that's about it.

I leave in 3 days. That's crazy. I started packing today. That has proved nearly impossible because I just have too much stuff. I'm leaving a big stack of clothes here, and hopefully will be under the weight limit on both suitcases.

The past week was spent living in a hostel and being a complete tourist around the former capital-Kyoto. Google it if you get a chance. It's full of really really old (like from the 500's) temples and shrines and other touristy things. I quickly figured out the bus system and cruised around making friends with a lot of elderly Asian travelers. I also completely filled my memory card on my camera.

Today all I did was sleep and pack. I need to withdraw some money (because I am completely out...oops) and get some food for the next couple of days, and get a couple pictures printed as gifts..but I just couldn't leave the apartment! Haha. Tomorrow I'm meeting Yoko for church then to Harajuku and will spend the day with her. I can't believe I already have to say goodbye! Monday will be my last day at school where I have to give a speech in Japanese to the teachers (oh dear, my pronunciation is terrible!) and then the native teachers are taking Jenna and I to an Indian restaurant in Matsudo. Tuesday I'll wake up, finish packing, and head to the airport. Again, I can't believe it's over already!! The next post will most likely be from home if I remember to update this thing at all. I'm really bad about forgetting this exists.

The end is near

It has been a crazy 2 1/2 weeks! My friend Krysta came for a much needed visit, and was surprised that I had not been exaggerating when I told her my apartment was small. She enjoyed sleeping in the huge cupboard under my bed (it's not as strange as it sounds, trust me) and we figured out how to not go crazy in such a small space.

Golden week is about 3 holidays in a row (with a space in between that was declared a holiday simply by being surrounded by them--I like the way they think here.) I was invited on an overnight trip with my friend Yoko and her family to Karuizawa which was beautiful! Much like the Canadian landscape, the air was crisp and cool and the mountains (and volcano!) that surrounded the cute little town (which was actually not that little) raised my spirits and refreshed my soul tremendously! I loved spending time with Yoko and her older sister Tomoko (23), and her mother Keiko. They quickly became my Japanese family!!

I returned on Sunday evening absolutely exhausted and so thankful that Monday and Tuesday were both holidays so no school! Monday we didn't do a whole lot I don't think, but Tuesday it was an EARLY morning to meet Yoko at Disneyland! Jenna, Krysta and I left the apartments around 6:15 and met Yoko at the Disneyland train station around 7:50 am where we proceeded to spend the entire day. The park opened at 8 and Krysta and Jenna left around 5:15 but since I had never been to any sort of Disneyland before I was drinking in all the excitement and Yoko and I stayed until about 9:30. So all in all I spent over 13 hours in Tokyo Disneyland and so would have gone back the next day had I not had to return to school!

Krysta left yesterday afternoon. It was not the greatest weather as we trekked to the train station to begin the hour and 45 minute adventure to the airport, but we made it there in one piece. We got her all checked in and then of course headed to Starbucks and to Bagels and Bagels where I bought bagels for breakfast! Then I said goodbye for now to Krysta and as she waited to get on her plane I wandered aimlessly (and got a little lost) around Narita. I love airports. Just the idea of all the possible places one could travel to, and all the different people wandering around. I ate a really late lunch at Subway and then walked in circles for a bit until I found the right escalator to get back to the train station below the airport.

I got excited about traveling home soon, but realized I need to cherish these last days here. This week is essentially my last week at the school because next week the school is sending us to Kyoto which is a really old and beautiful part of Japan that everyone is so excited about when they hear we are going there. Their faces just light up! Then we will return, I"ll have a few days to pack everything up and say my goodbyes and then it's home to America!

Krysta is here! It's been great having her here, even though we have to share my tiny apartment. She's actually sleeping in the compartment under my bed..haha, it's a big compartment though!

So apparently a guy we went to high school with is stationed in Japan near Tokyo on the Airforce Base in Yokota, so we made plans to meet up with him this weekend. We met Chris and my friends Yoko and Asobu in Shinjuku and wandered around for a while. We decided to play some pool, then get some dinner. It was great!

Today, Krysta and I met Yoko and her friend Kuniko for church. We were brought to the front row by the usher and I ended up sitting next to the guest speaker. He was this awesome guy from Uganda! He started his message by leading us in a typical African worship song Malibongwe (means Amen in Zulu) and then at the end we sang a couple more songs, and he pulled Yoko, Kuniko and I as well as a few others on stage to dance with him! It was so funny. I'm definitely too white to dance, but it was fun anyway. Then the 4 of us headed to Starbucks (of course) and hung out there for a while. It was great!!

Monotony?

Wednesday: almost had to go to the doctor. My eye had something wrong with it and burned so bad I couldn't open it. I got to school to talk to the nurse who tried really hard to send me to the hospital, but I don't like doctors and I was sure it was ok..so they sent me to the drug store to get some eye wash that worked wonders. Apparently I'm severely allergic to something here...

Thursday: It rained. John took us to Shinjuku (part of Tokyo) to meet a couple of his friends and eat Mexican food. It was delicious!

Friday: It rained more. In fact, it rained so much that they canceled 6th and 7th periods. I came home and curled up in bed watching The Office. I then accidentally fell asleep and slept through a Skype date. Sorry Alyssa!

Saturday: I did absolutely nothing except watch The Office, Boston Legal, and took about 3 naps.

Sunday (today): Talked to Amy and Eric on Skype, started a return letter to a friend who values handwritten mail just as much as I do, and watched more of The Office. I made it to the supermarket as well. That was the highlight of my day.

Krysta is coming on Thursday!!!!!! Until then, my life will be boring. Just so ya know.

Ah, the missing link..

What a difference a day makes. Yesterday I was so homesick I was ready to hop a plane and head home. I have been trying to meet up with a girl who was in Nebraska for a month studying English and met some of my friends. Today we decided to meet in Ueno and go to the zoo. On my way out the door, I realized I didn't have my Tokyo train map (which is pretty much my lifeline here) so I frantically searched, and after coming up empty handed, I begged Jenna to lend me hers (which she graciously did) and I booked it to the station (about a 20 minute walk, and I had 1/2 an hour until I was supposed to meet Yoko.) On the way there, I was listening to a CD that my friend Jessica made for a road trip once and it brought me so much joy I was having a hard time from dancing the whole way there. All of the sudden a guy walked up beside me and started talking to me. Turns out he lives near the hospital here and studied English in Australia for 5 years and was so surprised to see me (pretty obviously American) in this town that he wanted to come talk to me.

I got to Ueno about 20 minutes late, and thought I was at the right exit (which of course I wasn't) so I used a pay phone to call Yoko and tell her I was trying to find her. I wandered around for a long time, and finally found a tourist help desk in another station where the lady spoke English and gave me a map and hi-lighted the way to get to the right exit. I arrived exactly one hour late, and after an exhausted but excited hello to Yoko and her boyfriend, we made our way to the zoo. As we arrived, the man was putting up the "closed" sign! It closed at 4 on Saturdays, and unfortunately, because I was an hour late, it was now 4. Lame. So we wandered around, visited a temple, then went to Starbucks (of course!). We sat there and talked about Nebraska and Yoko showed me pictures of some of my friends that she met. This made me really homesick, but excited that she got to meet them! Then we went to amereyoko (sp?) which is a really old/cheap shopping street but it was sooooooo full of people that we escaped down another street and decided to go eat my favorite Japanese food--Okanomiyaki--where Yoko's boyfriend cooked us dinner like a pro. His dad is a chef, so he learned to cook and is very good at it! It was delicious and so fun!

I still miss my friends and family back home a lot, but having friends here will make it a little more exciting. And Krysta is coming in about 2 weeks!!!! Ahh the adventures we'll have.

come to bed, insomnia awaits...

It is still raining. No joke, I almost drowned the other day when I walked outside. Ok, maybe that is a little bit of a joke. Well, more an exaggeration I suppose. Good thing I have my trusty bright pink umbrella. As if I don't stand out enough already.

I have not been sleeping well for a couple of weeks now, and to add insult to injury I am now paranoid that someone is trying to break into my apartment. I believe it may have been true when my parents cautioned me about what I watch on TV. All these detective shows have my mind convinced I'm the target of some great espionage.

9 weeks down, 7 to go. We've crossed the halfway marker folks. I am so ready for classes to start back up again. Having no purpose definitely does not suit me. Today we went into the school to help one of the new teachers get things ready for Monday and I loved sitting at her computer typing up her seating charts, laminating, double checking activities. I honestly never thought I would say that. I am not too keen on office work. But to serve a purpose just made me feel....good.

I've noticed here that a lot of people blog about one thing in particular. Photographers blog about, well, photography. Apparently there's a blog out there devoted to the amazing Ramen Shops of Japan. And after being asked several times during this trip what I want to do after graduation (who knows when that will be..) I have come to the realization that I have no..dreams, goals, or desires other than to travel and have excitement. Pretty broad, don't you think?

What does one do with an International Studies degree with emphasis in Europe and some other stuff? Aside from Grad School (are you kidding me?), not much. Maybe I should have double majored in Journalism, or Photography as well, so I could work for, say, National Geographic or the Travel Channel. Mm..broadcasting, now there's a dream. (Sarcasm is heavily intended on that last one.) Maybe anthropology or sociology perhaps? People interest me. But alas, all options lead to more schooling. I want to join the Peace Corps. Or work with the Invisible Children in Uganda. I shall quote my friend Kent when I say that I don't care about money, until money is the only thing keeping me from all these amazing opportunities. There has to be something that can be done about that. I mean, good ol' Uncle Sam might be pretty angry if I refuse to pay back my student loans.

Well, I've got a bright and early morning date with about 200 8th graders and a really cool obstacle course (unless it's raining, then we get to go to a museum..), and although I'm still mildly convinced someone is trying to break in and murder me or steal my pink umbrella, I'm praying sleep arrives soon because I won't survive tomorrow on anything less than 5 hours (which is what I'm looking at right about now..)

Oh, I'm going to Austria in July. That's exciting.

Rain rain...

It seems to rain a lot here. If it weren't for all the Japanese people walking around I'd think I was in Seattle.

Yesterday I went to church in Ochanomizu again, and despite thinking about taking my umbrella because the sky looked a little gray, I walked out of the building into a downpour. Umbrella-less. So I buttoned my jacket up all the way, pulled the collar up and headed to Starbucks for an afternoon of reading and studying the Word. I walked by a shop selling pink and purple umbrellas for only 500 Yen, so I bought a pretty pink one and continued on my way.

Being a pretty obvious English speaker, I have a lot of fun conversations with people who are excited to test out their English on me. I went into Dr. Sound (a cool guitar store) to buy a capo--which cost a little over $25, which seems ridiculous to me, but I needed one and haven't seen any cheaper so far--and the clerk, who was probably in his 50's, donned a huge grin and started counting my change back to me in English. I smiled and told him his English was very good and he just lit up and thanked me profusely. Then on my way home from the train station, I stopped at a little take-out shop for some chicken, and while I was waiting for my dinner to be ready, a man came into the tiny shop to pick up his. He kept staring at me, and so I just kept looking at my new cool pink umbrella. Finally, after he must have worked up enough courage, he said "It's freezing out, isn't it?" And I must have looked pretty surprised because I'm not used to anyone speaking English to me in our town. We talked briefly about the weather and how he thinks winter is coming back (winter for them is like 40 degrees F, I didn't tell him that 40 is quite warm considering our winter is normally -10). I imagine they are as excited when they can use English as I am when I get a chance to use the few Japanese words I know.


One final random encounter--two days ago I was walking to the train station to head into Matsudo to buy a capo. I had my iPod in and was listening to a little TJ McCloud when a car pulled up beside me and slowed way down. I was expecting it to turn at the intersection I was about to cross, so I stopped, and then heard the driver talking to me. I pulled out a headphone and looked at him blankly as he rattled off something in Japanese. I shrugged and said "Eego?" ("English?") He then said the name of the train station I was going to, and I thought maybe he was asking for directions, so I pointed him in the right direction, but then he said it again, and then I realized he was asking me if I was going there. To which I hesitantly replied yes (while this is a very safe country, I've already had some interesting encounters with Japanese men and was mildly aware that this situation could go very wrong very fast). He motioned to the passenger seat, and then pointed at me, and said "Minoridai Station?" I laughed awkwardly and politely refused to get into a strange man's car, and as he drove away, I turned the opposite direction to head to the other station near my apartment instead.

the end.

Well that was awkward

I don't really enjoy having people within my own personal space very much. And thus far have been pretty successful at avoiding it. Until tonight on my way home from Ochanomizu. The train going into Tokyo was fairly empty so I was able to sit/sleep the whole way there (it's about a 35 minute ride). I was looking forward to some more resting of the eyes on my way home, until the train pulled up and I wanted to cringe at the thought of getting on. It was so full of people that I didn't think there was any possible way that another human being could fit! But you, those Japanese sure do know how to make the most of space, so we crammed into that little car, as if expecting it to just expand as more people got on. I looked around trying to see if there was something I could hold onto so I didn't fall over when the train started, and then realized how ridiculous that was. There was no way I was going to fall, because I was pressed up against people on all sides. And when I realized that my butt was touching another guy's butt, I somehow felt like I was 13 and tried really hard to suppress my immature giggling at the immense akwardness. I could feel the sweat starting to drip down my back (I had 3 shirts on and a coat, scarf and hat) and was so thankful when they turned the fan on above my head. I watched two poor little girls essentially getting crushed by some older guys about twice their size and smiled as they were unsuccessful in suppressing their laughter.

Ochanomizu is music and sports HEAVEN! The church we went to on Sunday (Easter) is located on the 8th floor of the Ochanomizu Christian Center which is on the same street as about 8 guitar shops, at least 2 violin shops and countless other music stores. I came back this evening to have more of a look around and to price guitars because I desperately need a new addiction other than Grey's Anatomy, and was completely enthralled by the vast amount of music stores and sports shops! I walked and walked and walked, stopped at one of the many Starbucks I came across and ordered a Caramel Machiatto, then continued to walk some more, ignoring most of the stares that I got (although sometimes I enjoy just staring right back, because then the stare-er usually looks really uncomfortable that they got caught mid-stare). I found a guitar for about 9000 yen, ($90) and although I'm sure it's not very good quality, it should be fine for a learning tool for now. John said he would come with me and help me talk to the salesperson about everything, so hopefully soon I'll be plucking away those strings instead of staring mindlessly at my computer screen wondering if Meredith and McDreamy are ever going to just be OK without all the added drama. There were so many board shops as well--snowboard, surfboard, skateboard ,etc. It made me wish I could do any of those (especially surf) just so I could justify looking around!

Then on my way home, I sucked it up and ate at McDonalds by myself. Now, I don't mind eating alone, but whenever I see someone else eating alone I can never help but feel a tinge of sadness for them, as if they have no friends and are forced to eat alone. Then, I remembered I have no friends and I do have to eat alone! :) Haha, but it was ok because I had the last book of the Chronicles of Narnia with me so CS Lewis entertained me as I ate, and there were several people eating by themselves and studying (yeah, McDonalds is actually a pretty popular place to study apparently) I also don't like McDonalds in general, but I usually only remember that about an hour after I eat there...note to self: no more McDonalds.

Ironic, isn't it?

I sit here, watching entire seasons of tv shows online, currently on Grey's Anatomy. I've never really watched this show. But the interns are working their first 48 hour shift, and as I watch them fall asleep on their feet, I can't help but feel a bit jealous. I miss the nights of staying up insanely late with friends, and attempting to stay awake in my classes and at work the next day. I actually miss having classes to go to. Never thought I would utter those words. I guess all this time off with nothing specific to get done immediately doesn't suit me well.

I need a project.

Yesterday, Jenna, Josh (her boyfriend who is here visiting for a week) and I went to Asakusa which is a very popular tourist spot in Tokyo. The trains there were nothing short of chaotic confusion, but once we finally got out of the station, this American couple walked up to us asking us if we spoke English. They wanted to know where the tmple was, and Jenna told them where to go, because she and Beth had already been there. We walked with them to the tourist info place, where I overheard the lady tell Jenna she was born in Laurel Nebraska! A few minutes north of where I went to school for my freshman year. Even though she didn't really know anything about the place because it was so long ago, her husband looked uncommonly familiar. It was so strange.


Then, as we were entering the touristy shopping area, I made eye contact with a very nice dressed woman holding a microphone, and she asked me to come over and interviewed me on camera, apparently for a news show about the value of the Yen. I'm sure I looked like an idiot because I couldn't really understand what she wanted me to talk about and her English was on and off...but it was still crazy nonetheless! I was one of those foreigners that got interviewed to be on TV!

I'll make it my goal to update this as often as I can.


Until next time...

Where oh death is your sting?

Death is a strange thing. I've never experienced it in a personal way until this morning when I woke up holding my cell phone in my hand staring at it wondering why my dad was calling me from his cell phone when he was just upstairs. I almost put it down and ignored him because it was Saturday and 7 am and I wasn't supposed to get up to leave with mom until 10. But the next thing I knew I was talking to him as he was telling me that he and mom were already in Lincoln at the hospital because my mom's sister Marilynn who has been sick for a while was not going to make it and I needed to wake my sister up and get in the car.

We got to the hospital and after an almost comical encounter with the nearly deaf but very nice and very old volunteer receptionist, Bekka and I made our way up to the third floor critical care unit. We stepped off the elevator and walked past a nurses station where I overheard a nurse saying "it's just so hard to watch everyone gather to say goodbye." I knew what she meant. I felt bad for a big group of people waiting in the hallway outside someone's room. They were all in tears, and my heart broke for them. As I neared, my eye caught my brother's and I understood. As he wrapped his arms around me the tears fell. This group of people crying in the hallway was my family. Friends and relatives of my aunt's. They were waiting outside Marilynn's room because she really was dying. As I hugged the man who had to say goodbye to his wife for a very long time, I wanted to turn around and walk away.

I walked in and gave my mom a big hug, then hugged my cousin Lisa, whose sense of humor has never failed to make the entire family laugh while she can keep a straight face. Today, there was pain in here eyes. As my other cousin, Lindsey, walked up crying I wrapped my arms around her and held tight, for she and I used to be very close. We spent summers together at camp and weeks at each others' houses. As we grew older we grew apart, and I only see her briefly at family gatherings such as Thanksgiving and Christmas usually. But my heart still holds a special place for this woman.

The only thing that brought a smile to anyone's faces was my niece, Kendyl. A 10 month old bundle of innocence and joy that healed each and every one of our broken hearts, one giggle at a time.

The room cleared out except for her husband and daughters as they were given a final chance to say goodbye before the doctors shut off the ventilator. Then everyone else was given a chance, and I stood in the hallway and watched as my 87 year old grandfather, who was a preacher and one of the most amazing men I've ever met, stood by Marilynn's bedside alone, holding her hand. It was a strange picture to me, and my heart melted as I realized that Marilynn got to see Jesus today. She got to experience heaven for real this afternoon. When they pulled the curtain shut and I heard the machines being shut off, I had to smile weakly through my tears because I wondered what it would be like to walk into your true home and meet the creator of the universe. She met her true Father. I wanted so desperately to tell her to say hello to Jesus for me.

I decided that if I am ever lying in a hospital bed with friends and family around waiting for me to die, I truly hope they are singing praises, because I will be so glad to leave this earth as my heart so longs for the place I was created to be. The fellowship I was created to have with the Father God.

Ours were selfish tears. Tears that said we will miss Marilynn dearly. But our tears had hope. Hope of the promise of eternal life.

Why is it when you have an abundance of free time, you end up doing nothing?

I could have done my laundry, started a support letter, cleaned my car, the basement...and probably a million other things.

....and yet I've stared at this page for about 10 minutes now, and still have nothing.

lame.