So that's definitely not true, but it came out of my mouth during Spanish this morning. Of course it was in English because to translate such a sentiment would have taken me too long and I just didn't care enough. As I was all snuggled into my bed at 9 pm tonight under an embarrassing amount of blankets I thought the same thing..and then realized how ridiculous that is to even think. Why is it that I so frequently say things that I don't mean?
I then was struck by how often I tell others how much I don't want to get married, because the whole idea is scary. Granted, the whole idea is scary and I have seen enough pain within the context of marriage to be very wary of who and when I marry...but the honest truth is I desire a husband. I want to serve him and serve with him in ministry until death do us part. I want to be the cute old couple walking in a park holding hands. So have I previously stated otherwise (on more occasions than I'd like to admit)?
I don't know. Desire to be the independent woman who can take care of herself--or at least appear to be so? Possibly. But I'd say the underlying reason would be fear. Fear that marriage isn't what God has for me, so if I convince myself I don't want it in the first place, I won't be disappointed. That's lame.
God plants desires within our hearts to draw us so much nearer to Him. I'm embarrassed to admit that I often draw nearer to the Giver when I want something. I am that kid. But when faced with the reality of His goodness, I find myself wanting nothing more than more of Him--most of the time.
I want to deeply desire Him, and enjoy His goodness and gifts. And I want to mean what I say and say what I mean and say nothing more.
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