Reading Rainbow..opening books, opening minds

I started reading a book today. Usually over Christmas break I watch unprecedented amounts of television and sleep more than I have all semester. So I decided I'd read. And the only book my church library had by John Piper was God's Passion for His Glory, which ironically starts off with how important it is to read challenging books to grow our mind. This quote convicted me--

"The mind can atrophy, like the muscles, if it is not used....And this is a terrible penatly, for there is evidence that atrophy of the mind is a mortal disease. There seems to be no other explanation for the fact that so many busy people die so soon after retirement....Television, radio, and all the sources of amusement and information that surround us in our daily lives are...artificial props. They can give us the impression that our minds are active, because we are required to react to stimuli from outside. But the power of those external stimuli to keep us going is limited. They are lke drugs. We grow used to them, and we continuously need more and more of them. Eventually, they have little or no effect."

Piper spends the first chapter of this book justifying the reading of Jonathan Edwards' essay entitled "The end for which God created the world" which apparently is a lost phenomenon. I'm expecting it to be a difficult read, considering Piper devoted an entire chapter to convincing his readers of its importance, but I've made it my goal to read and understand both Piper and Edwards' (whose first names are both John..apparently it invokes spirituality..ha) thoughts on the subject.

Friends, go check out a book that was written at least fifty years go (how else will we understand the world outside the tiny sphere around our current lives) and read it over this Christmas break. If you have to have a dictionary at your side when reading it, all the better. There will be no tests, no quizes, no papers...just gained wisdom and knowledge. And who knows, you may be one step ahead of your classmates who can now successfuly quote every episode of Friends and never actually got out of bed.

I feel like the guy off of reading rainbow right now.

Yes, I'm leaving. No, I am not gone yet.

I don't know if it's just the end of the semester stress, or if I am just really saddened subconsciously by the fact that I'm not coming back next semester and will be half a world away, but for some reason every time someone asks me a question about Japan or my internship or what I will be doing, when I am leaving, where I'll be living, my muscles clench and I get really aggrivated. I don't want to talk about it. I still have 2 finals left, for which I am finding it increasingly hard to study, I have to pack up my entire room and move it home (somehow all of that stuff is supposed to fit inside my tiny litte honda civic) and make enough money to pay for all of the bills that seem to keep piling up on themselves.

I need to go for a walk.

Have you ever had one of those moments where the quiet beauty of the world surrounding you took your breath away? Time seems to stand utterly still and you stop what you are doing, even if it means being late to that class yet again, simply because you can hardly move? It feels as though a movie clip with full orchestra soundtrack couldn't capture the moment in it's entirety.

I've had two of those recently. I was walking through the Selleck courtyard, which was uncommonly void of human activity. The wind was so strong that day, but the sun was shining in full force. The courtyard provided a mild refuge from the violent whipping of the wind, but as I walked, the sun warming my face, the leaves scattered over the lawn seemed to rise around me, as if suspended in an autumn snow globe. I tried not to stop and stare, so as to cause those around me to think I was crazy, but I was certain that this was incredible beauty. I wondered if anyone else had been allowed to see it, or if it was a secret between me and God himself.

The other happened this morning when I arrived on East Campus a bit early for my 8 am class. I had marveled at the beauty of the sunrise earlier, and breathed the fresh, crisp air as I walked to the bus stop. As I stepped off the bus onto campus and entered the grassy area in front of the union, I looked around me in surprise as the sun rays reflected off the glass, causing me to squint. It was so still. I almost couldn't hear the footsteps of the two oblivious students crunching through the leaves behind me. It was glorious. I smiled and continued on my way, forming the words of this story in my head, and wishing I had my computer with me so I could type the words as fast as they entered my thoughts.

Finally on the move!

I walked in front of a girl today on my way to class and couldn't help but smile as she gleefully exclaimed "I just found $5!" I then pondered the idea that God was trying to tell her how much he loved her, and wondered if his heart broke that she had no idea of the depth of his infatuation with her. I wonder if se'll ever know. If she'll ever understand.

As of this past Friday, I have been chosen as one of the two interns through UNL to move to Japan and assist the English teachers in a middle school near Tokyo for 6 months. I'll leave around the 2nd week in January and will be done sometime in June. I'll probably use this blog to keep everyone updated, so if no one reads this now, maybe they will soon! :)

I walked out of Crusade tonight and saw a surreal picture on the plaza. Students, adults, children no more than three on their knees while a choir sang and catholic priests and people gathered to celebrate All Saints Day I'm assuming. As the choir rang out their chorus in lovely harmony, I had to stop and wonder if they knew anymore than I did what they were singing. What did the words mean? I wonder if it was a praise to the Lord.

I couldn't believe how peaceful and quiet that plaza was. Highly uncommon for a Thursday night. However, this was not a peace that fills the soul and comforts the heart, bringing rest. Sadness filled my soul and I had to walk quickly to my room before I dared allow tears to come. My heart broke for those who know not the God they praise..I'm not speaking of anyone in particular, not of this group or any particular group. God broke my heart for the religious persons out there who can't make the knowledge connect with their heart and soul. I cry not because I feel sorry for them, I cry because I was one. I cry because I understand. I cry because I know.

God's heart breaks for his lost sheep. The indescribable anguish in my soul tonight can only reflect a minute portion of our Father's agony at the state of hearts today.

Oh Lord, let the morning bring us word of Your unfailing love. Show us the way we should go, for to You we lift up our souls.

Psalm 143:8

She's not convinced
your love is for real
taking yet another walk,
she's still searching.

screaming she falls
her simple request
seemingly unheard yet again
where did you go?
can't you hear her?

mere words
this cannot fix
not this time, not this.
such brokeness heals not itself.

it waits.

it waits for someone greater
someone who knows the beginning
and the end alike.
patience seems the inflictor now
killing her slowly.

she waits.

how long will she wait
until all is well?
how deep will it cut
how far will this go?

on her behalf i fall
to my knees i'm down
crying for tearless eyes
in pain for a numb heart

please, let her wait no longer.
make her whole again.
restore the light, the joy
innocence to her eyes.
can't this be over?

I wait.

One night during Fall Getaway for Crusade, I kept leaving necessary things in my car, thus forcing me to take a few solitary walks in the dark. These were my thoughts.

(10/05/07)
Why do we put pictures of ourselves on Facebook, faithfully update blogs we know people won't read, or go on telling stories that no one else will understand, simply because we at one time, found them humorous?
I heard it explained like this once. Because we desperately want someone to take interest in the mundane ordinary things in our lives. We want an observer. We want someone to assure us that we are interesting.
So we put our opinions out there on the world wide web, hoping that maybe one person will read and find me to be more than just a girl. More than just a student. More than "just..."

And here I am.

I celebrated my 21st birthday today. And no, I did not get wasted, I do not plan to go "out" and drink so much that I cannot walk. I had one drink with a few friends, enjoyed the evening, and successfully put off studying for my Spanish midterm for just a few more hours. I will most likely regret this decision tomorrow when I am staring at the paper filled with blanks I can't seem to fill and words that I can't seem to translate.

I applied for an internship in Japan for next semester a few weeks ago. The applications were due today, so we are supposed to hear the final decision soon. They will only accept two interns to teach English at a middle school in Matsudo.

I am pretty sure sleeping will be the best form of procrastination right about now.