Where oh death is your sting?

Death is a strange thing. I've never experienced it in a personal way until this morning when I woke up holding my cell phone in my hand staring at it wondering why my dad was calling me from his cell phone when he was just upstairs. I almost put it down and ignored him because it was Saturday and 7 am and I wasn't supposed to get up to leave with mom until 10. But the next thing I knew I was talking to him as he was telling me that he and mom were already in Lincoln at the hospital because my mom's sister Marilynn who has been sick for a while was not going to make it and I needed to wake my sister up and get in the car.

We got to the hospital and after an almost comical encounter with the nearly deaf but very nice and very old volunteer receptionist, Bekka and I made our way up to the third floor critical care unit. We stepped off the elevator and walked past a nurses station where I overheard a nurse saying "it's just so hard to watch everyone gather to say goodbye." I knew what she meant. I felt bad for a big group of people waiting in the hallway outside someone's room. They were all in tears, and my heart broke for them. As I neared, my eye caught my brother's and I understood. As he wrapped his arms around me the tears fell. This group of people crying in the hallway was my family. Friends and relatives of my aunt's. They were waiting outside Marilynn's room because she really was dying. As I hugged the man who had to say goodbye to his wife for a very long time, I wanted to turn around and walk away.

I walked in and gave my mom a big hug, then hugged my cousin Lisa, whose sense of humor has never failed to make the entire family laugh while she can keep a straight face. Today, there was pain in here eyes. As my other cousin, Lindsey, walked up crying I wrapped my arms around her and held tight, for she and I used to be very close. We spent summers together at camp and weeks at each others' houses. As we grew older we grew apart, and I only see her briefly at family gatherings such as Thanksgiving and Christmas usually. But my heart still holds a special place for this woman.

The only thing that brought a smile to anyone's faces was my niece, Kendyl. A 10 month old bundle of innocence and joy that healed each and every one of our broken hearts, one giggle at a time.

The room cleared out except for her husband and daughters as they were given a final chance to say goodbye before the doctors shut off the ventilator. Then everyone else was given a chance, and I stood in the hallway and watched as my 87 year old grandfather, who was a preacher and one of the most amazing men I've ever met, stood by Marilynn's bedside alone, holding her hand. It was a strange picture to me, and my heart melted as I realized that Marilynn got to see Jesus today. She got to experience heaven for real this afternoon. When they pulled the curtain shut and I heard the machines being shut off, I had to smile weakly through my tears because I wondered what it would be like to walk into your true home and meet the creator of the universe. She met her true Father. I wanted so desperately to tell her to say hello to Jesus for me.

I decided that if I am ever lying in a hospital bed with friends and family around waiting for me to die, I truly hope they are singing praises, because I will be so glad to leave this earth as my heart so longs for the place I was created to be. The fellowship I was created to have with the Father God.

Ours were selfish tears. Tears that said we will miss Marilynn dearly. But our tears had hope. Hope of the promise of eternal life.

Why is it when you have an abundance of free time, you end up doing nothing?

I could have done my laundry, started a support letter, cleaned my car, the basement...and probably a million other things.

....and yet I've stared at this page for about 10 minutes now, and still have nothing.

lame.

Reading Rainbow..opening books, opening minds

I started reading a book today. Usually over Christmas break I watch unprecedented amounts of television and sleep more than I have all semester. So I decided I'd read. And the only book my church library had by John Piper was God's Passion for His Glory, which ironically starts off with how important it is to read challenging books to grow our mind. This quote convicted me--

"The mind can atrophy, like the muscles, if it is not used....And this is a terrible penatly, for there is evidence that atrophy of the mind is a mortal disease. There seems to be no other explanation for the fact that so many busy people die so soon after retirement....Television, radio, and all the sources of amusement and information that surround us in our daily lives are...artificial props. They can give us the impression that our minds are active, because we are required to react to stimuli from outside. But the power of those external stimuli to keep us going is limited. They are lke drugs. We grow used to them, and we continuously need more and more of them. Eventually, they have little or no effect."

Piper spends the first chapter of this book justifying the reading of Jonathan Edwards' essay entitled "The end for which God created the world" which apparently is a lost phenomenon. I'm expecting it to be a difficult read, considering Piper devoted an entire chapter to convincing his readers of its importance, but I've made it my goal to read and understand both Piper and Edwards' (whose first names are both John..apparently it invokes spirituality..ha) thoughts on the subject.

Friends, go check out a book that was written at least fifty years go (how else will we understand the world outside the tiny sphere around our current lives) and read it over this Christmas break. If you have to have a dictionary at your side when reading it, all the better. There will be no tests, no quizes, no papers...just gained wisdom and knowledge. And who knows, you may be one step ahead of your classmates who can now successfuly quote every episode of Friends and never actually got out of bed.

I feel like the guy off of reading rainbow right now.

Yes, I'm leaving. No, I am not gone yet.

I don't know if it's just the end of the semester stress, or if I am just really saddened subconsciously by the fact that I'm not coming back next semester and will be half a world away, but for some reason every time someone asks me a question about Japan or my internship or what I will be doing, when I am leaving, where I'll be living, my muscles clench and I get really aggrivated. I don't want to talk about it. I still have 2 finals left, for which I am finding it increasingly hard to study, I have to pack up my entire room and move it home (somehow all of that stuff is supposed to fit inside my tiny litte honda civic) and make enough money to pay for all of the bills that seem to keep piling up on themselves.

I need to go for a walk.

Have you ever had one of those moments where the quiet beauty of the world surrounding you took your breath away? Time seems to stand utterly still and you stop what you are doing, even if it means being late to that class yet again, simply because you can hardly move? It feels as though a movie clip with full orchestra soundtrack couldn't capture the moment in it's entirety.

I've had two of those recently. I was walking through the Selleck courtyard, which was uncommonly void of human activity. The wind was so strong that day, but the sun was shining in full force. The courtyard provided a mild refuge from the violent whipping of the wind, but as I walked, the sun warming my face, the leaves scattered over the lawn seemed to rise around me, as if suspended in an autumn snow globe. I tried not to stop and stare, so as to cause those around me to think I was crazy, but I was certain that this was incredible beauty. I wondered if anyone else had been allowed to see it, or if it was a secret between me and God himself.

The other happened this morning when I arrived on East Campus a bit early for my 8 am class. I had marveled at the beauty of the sunrise earlier, and breathed the fresh, crisp air as I walked to the bus stop. As I stepped off the bus onto campus and entered the grassy area in front of the union, I looked around me in surprise as the sun rays reflected off the glass, causing me to squint. It was so still. I almost couldn't hear the footsteps of the two oblivious students crunching through the leaves behind me. It was glorious. I smiled and continued on my way, forming the words of this story in my head, and wishing I had my computer with me so I could type the words as fast as they entered my thoughts.

Finally on the move!

I walked in front of a girl today on my way to class and couldn't help but smile as she gleefully exclaimed "I just found $5!" I then pondered the idea that God was trying to tell her how much he loved her, and wondered if his heart broke that she had no idea of the depth of his infatuation with her. I wonder if se'll ever know. If she'll ever understand.

As of this past Friday, I have been chosen as one of the two interns through UNL to move to Japan and assist the English teachers in a middle school near Tokyo for 6 months. I'll leave around the 2nd week in January and will be done sometime in June. I'll probably use this blog to keep everyone updated, so if no one reads this now, maybe they will soon! :)

I walked out of Crusade tonight and saw a surreal picture on the plaza. Students, adults, children no more than three on their knees while a choir sang and catholic priests and people gathered to celebrate All Saints Day I'm assuming. As the choir rang out their chorus in lovely harmony, I had to stop and wonder if they knew anymore than I did what they were singing. What did the words mean? I wonder if it was a praise to the Lord.

I couldn't believe how peaceful and quiet that plaza was. Highly uncommon for a Thursday night. However, this was not a peace that fills the soul and comforts the heart, bringing rest. Sadness filled my soul and I had to walk quickly to my room before I dared allow tears to come. My heart broke for those who know not the God they praise..I'm not speaking of anyone in particular, not of this group or any particular group. God broke my heart for the religious persons out there who can't make the knowledge connect with their heart and soul. I cry not because I feel sorry for them, I cry because I was one. I cry because I understand. I cry because I know.

God's heart breaks for his lost sheep. The indescribable anguish in my soul tonight can only reflect a minute portion of our Father's agony at the state of hearts today.

Oh Lord, let the morning bring us word of Your unfailing love. Show us the way we should go, for to You we lift up our souls.

Psalm 143:8